"When You Say You Love Me"

When you say “I love you” everything changes. When you actually say it out loud to someone where they can hear it and understand what you’re saying then things are never the same. I’ve said, “I love you” (and meant it) to 3 guys that weren’t my friends or family members. The guys have always said it first; I’ve always been too scared. That first time it’s spoken in a relationship, though, that’s the best. That first time you hear someone say “I love you” the world kinda stops for a minute and if it’s welcomed then sheer joy follows. Then time picks back up and you say “I love you” or “I love you too” or “love ya” all the time. The words then get said a dozen times a day to that person and they become almost a required part of the relationship. If they aren’t said once then the worrying begins. But at the same time since they are being thrown around so frequently they become a habit and almost just a secondary response. Only sporadically do you stop to think about the words you’re saying to make sure that their real meaning is still there and being understood. But that first time, the first time you say “I love you” is the scariest, the best, the worst and all feelings in between.

In high school I told all my friends I loved them. My musical theatre class was really close, there were only 17 of us, and we were constantly throwing “I love you”s around. This slowly leaked over to my life with all my friends. Phone conversations (this was definitely before Texting) always ended with “I love you” or “love ya”. I didn’t really date in high school to the point where “I love you” was ever even proposed so I didn’t have to deal with telling someone I loved them and having those feelings not reciprocated and the drama that I’m sure would have followed.

My first college boyfriend and I had been dating a little over two months when he first told me. He said he had wanted to tell me after the first month but refused cause he “knew” it was too early. I think I kinda worked the actual “I love you” out of him cause we were standing outside somewhere and I was complaining about not knowing how he felt about me and he said something along the lines of “you know I love you”. I didn’t say it back right away, I waited probably another two weeks or so. Again this was before Texting too so we said it on the phone a lot, also we lived in separate cities the phone was a large part of our relationship. We dated for about a year and over the summer I went away to camp as a counselor and we had tons of phone calls and actual letters that ended with “I love you”, the letters probably were just singed “love” but I can’t really remember. All I know is that with him I did not overuse “I love you” I really tried to only say it at the end of calls or when I was actually with him. It didn’t need to be said a hundred times a day or constantly when I was with him- it was fine we knew we were in love so lets move on. And then one day I moved on. One day I woke up and realized I wasn’t in love. I didn’t know this person I’d been with for a year and was worried that the love wasn’t there.

But where does the love go when you break up with someone? How do you just fall out of love with someone you’ve been with for a while or that you thought you could love forever? When you’re broken up with I understand the falling out of love thing. A**hole broke your heart so yah you’re not gonna love the jerk anymore. Dumba** cheats on you again totally understandable to fall out of love. But are there other ways to fall out of love? I guess sometimes you later find out things about a person that you didn’t originally know and that can make you fall out of love but that’s more sudden. It’s the slow fading out of love that troubles me. When over a period of months you just become indifferent towards the person and you try to convince yourself that it’s still love but one day it’s gone. It makes you wonder if it was really love to begin with.

The next time I said I love you was with my ex-fiancé. We started dating in the spring of my sophomore year of college and it took us about 5 months to become actual “boyfriend/girlfriend”. But before he even asked me be his girlfriend he told me he was falling in love with me. The day he told me he actually loved me was the day he asked me to be his girlfriend, almost 5 months to the day since we met and started seeing each other. He just said it the once and I started to cry and told him I’d be his girlfriend but didn’t say I love you. I finally told him I loved him about 2 months later. Again it wasn’t a frequent occurrence of the words and eventually I said it more than him. I always told him I loved him when I saw him, when I left him, on the phone, for lots of reasons. We were together another year and a half after that. But the last 5 months of our relationship were like the first 5 only reversed. We slowly learned that we weren’t right for each other and the love was there we both admitted to still loving each other, but we fought all the time and started avoiding each other till one day we decided to take a break.

Why isn’t love enough? This goes for friendships and relationships. Cause both can end even when there’s still love there. I go back and forth between believing that relationships can survive even if it seems like the love between you is all you have. But sometimes I just don’t believe that love is all you need to stay with someone. There are so many other things. Respect, honesty, trust, laughter, affection. These things are also needed to make a relationship work. I know some people would probably argue that without these things then you don’t have love either, but again where did the love go? It was there and then as these things go does it just disintegrate? I think that love can still be there even when these things aren’t. But at the same time I think respect, honest, trust, laughter and affection are needed to make a relationship work. If you still love someone but these other things aren’t present then obviously something in the relationship isn’t working. Is that the time you give up and say you don’t want to be together? Or is that the time that you count on your love to bring you through and hope that one day those things will come back?

This brings me to my current boyfriend. Things are still good and great and wonderful so I don’t want to do too much reflection, just kinda look at the facts then look at the similarities and differences of my “I love you” moments. We hadn’t been together very long before the first time I wanted to say “I love you” to him and if he hadn’t of said it when he did I’m sure eventually I would have just busted out and screamed it at him. About a month ago we attended my sister’s wedding and it was all just so romantic, pretty and happy. We danced a hundred slow dances together and I would just look up at him (he’s very much taller than me) and think wow what an amazing guy this is that was brave enough to come to a huge family event like this after only being together a month and a half. That night he told me that he didn’t want to tell me he loved me but that he was definitely falling for me. I was happy with that reaction. Another month went by and everything just kept getting better and we were still very luckily just as happy with each other. About a week ago we went out karaoke-ing (how we met) and he was introducing me to the last of his friends that I hadn’t met. I make horrible, horrible first impressions and was incredibly nervous about the whole situation. Afterwards I had a mini-girlie-emotion attack in the car while we were leaving and while trying to calm me down he said “you’re gonna make me say it now aren’t you? I love you Tyler” and that just of course made me cry even more and he said it again and then I told him that I loved him too. Now considering it’s been barely a week I sure as hell hope we both still feel the same way but it’s just so nice. I just look at him now and am so happy just knowing that there’s this great guy who loves me and that I love too.

Comparing this to the others- I’ve always been told “I love you” at night and in the later nighttime hours. Like I said earlier I’ve never said “I love you” first. The biggest difference with my current boyfriend and the others is that this is the first time I’ve said “I love you” right back, all the others it took me a while to finally get to that same place. No judgment or reflections on this love compared to the others since it is so new. Right now it is just love.

Meeting the Parents

It's been years since I met a boyfriend's parents...years! Like 4- Mike's parent's don't count cause he was my situation not my boyfriend at all. So it was Ben's parent's back in 2005 and before that it was back in 2003 when I met the Wolff's and before that Ryan's back in 2002. So I don't have a lot of experience with that sort of thing and that makes me kinda nervous...less nervous actually and more anxious. To me the family this isn't that big of a deal. I have a huge family between the 3 families I have it usually ends up being like 5 seperate holiday

Meeting parents after college I think has to be different though. I mean in High School and college it was easy to say, "oh, she's a good girl, she makes good grades and stays out of trouble." But as an adult what do you say, "oh, she got her BA in History and now works as a Student Activities Coordinator?" What does it say about me that I didn't pursue a career with the degree I spent 80K on? I mean how do you qualify girlfriends after the college age. I guess since I'm in grad school you can say "She makes decent grades in Grad School" but still. Its different. My parents always ask the same thing, "Why does he do", "How did you meet" and "Where'd he go to school". Why don't they ever ask "why do you like him" or "what do you think about him"?

Bruce already met my family and they liked him, so that mean's all that's left is for his family to like me. I'm not sure if a holiday like Thanksgiving is the appropriate place though...I mean don't families usually fight on holidays? From what he's told me about his family it doesn't seem like their fighters but still. My family always fights on holidays either me and my sis or me and my mom. We're going to Houston and I'm getting nervous. I don't know what to pack to wear. I obviously don't want to wear too revealing clothing because Bruce and I are staying at hotel that way the sleeping arrangement thing doesn't make anyone uncomfortable so I'm thinking that conservative is the way to go. But at the same time Bruce has visible tattoos so if they see me all conservative and goody goody wont that seem a bit off? All my tats will be hidden cause it's cold so wont they think it's odd? I don't know I'm probably just over thinking it.

Okay only a few hours to stop being a spaz about this...

Simple Woman's Rainy Day Book

FOR TODAY

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Outside my window...

Students are students are studying in the Craft Room. In groups of 4, 3, 2 and by themselves. The room is full and all the tables have students at them. It's nice to see life in the Student Center again.
I am thinking...

About how nice it would be to be at home or in a coffee shop reading a book on this raining morning. The weather is changing and it's cooler so it'd be nice to get all bundled up with a good book.
I am thankful for...

Being inside and not on the road. San Antonio drivers are bad to begin with but even worse when it rains. I'm always afraid of getting in accidents when the weather gets like this.
From the learning rooms...(if this applies)

Students are studying. We have mandatory study hall for our Athletes and most of them just pretend to study but some might actually study since we have seen their grades improve since we started.
From the kitchen...

Or the cafeteria...we see students coming out with food, lots of energy drinks and hot chocolate. The coffee here is pretty weak but energy drinks are very popular. I just want to scream at the students "they're horrible for you!"
I am wearing...

A brown long sleeve dress and closed toe shoes. It's wet outside so I didn't want to have anything dragging on the ground but I also didn't want my toes to get cold. I'm also wearing an entirely too thin khaki jacket that is not keeping me warm at all.
I am creating...

A mess on my desk. I have paperwork that is completed it just needs to be filed. I also have business cards spilling everywhere and too many bottles of hand sanitizer.
I am going...

To pick up academic regalia eventually today, when it stops raining for tomorrows PTK inductions. Academic Regalia is heavy and may not all fit in my little little car.
I am reading...

"A Framework for Evaluating the Success of Early Academic Outreach Programs" and "The Texas Education Code" when I get bored with one I move back over to the other, cause both are long and wordy and don't hold my attention for long. For fun at home I'm reading "The Romantic Movement" and "Status Anxiety" by Alain de Botton both are wonderful.
I am hoping...

To go Karaoke-ing tonight after class cause I kinda want to sing to relieve some of this stress. I'm also hoping class goes by quickly tonight and it doesn't rain while I'm driving to and from Karaoke.
I am hearing...

Sonya's music through her earphones- I think it's R&B. I hear students studying- which means they probably aren't studying but chatting instead. I also hear ping-pong balls bouncing outside my door because we moved the ping-pong tables closer.
Around the house/office...

Carla is speaking to whoever will listen and it's hard to tell if she needs a response or not, Carrie and Trish are talking about budget while Sonya, Aaron and myself are in our own worlds.
One of my favorite things...

Is feeling accomplished enough at my desk to take a quick break to write a blog post. I've done almost half of my Tuesday To-Do List so I feel confident to take intermittent breaks.
A few plans for the rest of the week:

PTK Induction Wednesday Night, Thursday Night Music Club and Outdoor movies Friday Night- the weekend studying. I'll probably throw a little guitar playing in there somewhere and possibly sleep and food.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing...(add your picture here)

This is a picture of my sister and two of her husbands friends. Last Friday night after having dinner with her husband. Two of her husband's friends invited her out for a couple of drinks. Her husband didn't mind and let her go out with them (not that she needed permission but you get the idea). I thought it was incredibly cool that he didn't insist on going with her. I ended up going with her, but he just stayed home that night. They're still technically newlyweds and yet they seem so comfortable and set in their ways that they can go out with friends independently and don't always have to be together. I really like that.

xkcd.com

I'm kinda addicted to xkcd.com right now and this comment totally reminded me of my brother-in-law

Back to school...

Every fall while in undergrad I loved that second Sunday in August. I loved taking 1604 past Randolph, then I-10 East past Woman Hollering Creek and Marion where the Ware pare live. I loved taking the back road down HW 90 to get to campus 3 ½ minutes faster than taking the 46 exit. I loved moving back into the dorms at TLU and getting everything set up. I loved trekking to Hein for that first meal of the semester and I loved walking to chapel and the auditorium for opening convocations. That first step onto TLU for the fall semester always held such excitement and potential for greatness.

Monday I drove to UTSA- took the frustrating 40 minute drive (due to traffic) down I-10West from Downtown. I turned onto UTSA Blvd past Costco, past Valero and staked out the parking spaces in the main lot. I walked the mile from the parking lot to the Starbucks through the concrete cement unattractive corridors and hot outside of the non-green UTSA campus. From Starbucks I walked another ¼ mile to my classroom probably a mile and a half from where I actually parked. There was no joy, no potential for greatness, just the unattractive and non-green campus of UTSA. I didn’t get that great “welcome home” feeling like I’d received at TLU.

While SAC started school last week and most of UTSA did as well, I was one of the lucky ones whose class did not start till this week. UTSA started on Wednesday last week and my classes are Monday-Tuesday- score me! Anyways so I took the summer off from grad school and loved it. It was so nice to have my Monday and Tuesday nights back and I didn’t miss the boring reading or paper writing or anything. So needless to say I was kinda not looking forward to going back to school. The two classes I was taking also sounded really boring Multicultural Issues in Higher Education and Program Planning and Evaluation. “Multicultural? I totally took a class just like that last year” and “I’m a freakin’ activities coordinator, why the hell do I need Program Planning?”. These were my attitudes. Luckily I was super pleasantly surprised. My Multicultural class should be much better than the last one and actually have to do with Student Affairs in Higher Ed- yay! And my Program Planning class has all my friends in it and my favorite Professor in my department, so it too should at least be entertaining. The syllabuses look totally doable, even though this year my work load has tripled for the fall and I will be traveling every weekend in October, and not as time consuming as last year. I’m super excited about my classes and getting to see my friends every week.

I’m excited about school but wish UTSA was prettier, friendlier and smaller.

Dating by the stars...part 2

I’ve never dated a Virgo but after reading about their personality maybe I should. Virgos are supposed to be modest, reliable, practical, analytical, worriers, critical and conservative. Why haven’t I dated one of these before? Interesting. I’ll have to keep my eyes open for Virgos cause it seems like I could totally get along with that type of personality.

Libras are interesting. I’ve only dated one Libra before and he totally matched the easygoing, idealistic, charming, flirtatious, indecisive and gullible characteristics one associates with Libras. What initially attracted me to this sign was the easygoing charm he had. I later found easygoing to be laziness and his charm fleeting. He’s an okay guy and I’m sure perfect for someone but for a strong and driven Aries he just was not the one.

Scorpios are one sexy sign in my opinion. These men are forceful, direct, exciting, passionate, obsessive, emotional, and a little secretive. I’ve dated a couple Scorpios and they were great. They were all highly passionate and driven people. I saw a lot of similar traits between us and I think we were both attracted to the fact that we were both hard workers. But in the end that became the problem we were such work-o-holics that we forgot to make time for one another. But we’re still kinda friends even now.

I off and on date a Sagittarius. A freewheeling, fun-loving, easy-going, lazy, irresponsible, careless and reckless. Need I say more? For an A-typical Aries like myself that just does not mesh. This guy is great on the 3 days a year this Aries likes to let her hair down, but the rest of the time they can just be annoying. They don’t have schedules they don’t think practically and are content to just let things happen. I can’t imagine myself ever getting serious with a Sagittarius.

I have had several long-term relationships with Capricorns and was even engaged to one for a period of time when I was in college. Capricorns are great guys they’re patient, kind, practical, ambitious, a little pessimistic, disciplined and sometimes hold grudges. But the two I dated are/were (depending on my mood) just great, great guys. They were both very patient and when dealing with a moody Aries it is definitely needed. And they all had some ambition even if it leads them into bad fields. They are hard workers and can look at things practically. The reason these relationships fell apart was totally me- their patience sometimes seemed like they were just waiting forever- like they weren’t moving forward but in actuality they were just waiting for me to move the relationship forward.

I’ve also had two long-ish relationships with Aquarius’s and had the same problem with both. Their personalities are great and with both we started out as friends first. They are friendly, honest, loyal, unpredictable, creative, intellectual and sometimes unemotional. As friends these guys were great and we could talk for hours and hours on the phone I remember losing lots of sleep in high school talking to these boys. Unfortunately they did not live up to the “loyal” trait of their sign and both strayed causing our relationships to end. This leads me to tend to stay away from Aquarius’s now.

The last Fire and Water sign pairing of Pisces with Aries has also been disastrous. Fire and water don’t mix so I should have known better. All the Pisces I’ve known, male and female, have been a lot alike. They are secretive, blunt, critical, lost, loners, dreamers, intuitive and sympathetic. I’ve only dated on Pisces but having a once best friend a Pisces has also probably turned me off them for a while. They hate being judged but are totally judgmental. They were constantly trying to change me even though the Aries is the most stubborn sign. They are also completely unappreciative. The original mystery that attracts and Aries to a Pisces is totally lost when the Pisces refuses to stand up for the Aries like they’ll do for the Pisces.

The last sign I’ve dated is another Aries. They are just the male version of me and a whole lot of fun. We both had so much energy and passion for things that it was almost unbearable to spend time with anyone else. We hated to be apart and had to keep ourselves seriously distracted to keep from going crazy. I would definitely date another Aries because they are just too much fun and just a totally great match.

Overall I don’t date solely based on someone’s sign. But I definitely see the coincidences based on them and the similarities between them.

Dating by the stars...part 1

I’m an Aries. Artistic, energetic, impulsive, passionate, independent, outgoing, direct, selfish, procrastinator, free, impatient and adventurous- to name a few. I possess quiet a few of these traits both good and bad. And sometimes I’m sure I’m lots of them at once. I’ve dated all the different signs in the zodiac (but one-Virgo) and I’m starting to think there’s kinda a lot to be said for dating by the stars. I’ve dated more Leos and Capricorns than all the other signs and some totally personified their sign depending on their location to the center of that signs cycle. It’s really interesting…at least to me. But it’s easier to go in order.

I’ve only dated one Taurus and good lord remind me not to do it again. Half of my family members are Taurus so that should have been a clue to stay away. I fight with my family all the time so why did I think I wouldn’t fight with the Taurus. Tauruses are known for being possessive and Aries are known for wanting to be free. Tauruses are also unchanging and don’t compromise well at all. When a Taurus makes up his mind, their mind is made and that can be frustrating to live with. The best part about the relationship was that each of us was really passionate about similar things and so conversations were great and watching movies together always good but the fun stopped there.

Geminis- the twins. Their name is so fitting because it often felt like they were two different people with entirely different personalities. I’ve only dated one of these as well and I use the term date very, very loosely because he could never sit still long enough to take it seriously. Geminis are huge flirts, with everyone. The great thing about Geminis is that they’re talented at many, many things. They can be artistic and creative totally inspiring that part of the Aries but they also are a tad ADD and often move on to something new without finishing what they’ve started. The problem with my Gemini was timing I think- today we are great friends and he is one of my best guy friends and totally dependable, sweet and charming and if we didn’t have our history I would totally consider dating him again but I think it’s best for us to just be friends. I wouldn’t be apposed to dating another Gemini in the future just because I think if you catch them at the right time they could be great.

Every once in a while you come across a sign that you totally instantly connect with and want to spend tons of time with. All the zodiac charts tell me to stay away from this sign cause their water and I’m fire but I just couldn’t get enough of the Cancer I met last spring. Cancers are strong, passionate, nurturing, protective, loyal and creative. They have a tough outside and a delicate side hidden away. The crabs of the zodiac world actually do better when in a pair and my one amazing like 13 hours with one makes me believe it. I met the guy in a bar and ended up staying up all night and most of the next morning with one talking about all the things we had in common and talking about music, movies and books. I’m totally intrigued and want to meet another one just to find out if they’re all like this. The reason this guy was only around for 13 hours (and a week full of phone calls and emails) is because he moved far away, out of the country actually but I still secretly hope when he returns I’ll get another 13 hours

Leo the lions. I’ve dated so many of these guys and I don’t know why I think they’ll be different, one day I’ll learn I guess. But there is not room enough in any relationship for the ego of two fire signs, especially when one of them is a Leo. Leos make excellent leaders or artists or something because they are so confident and self-assured. They are incredibly passionate like most fire signs but because both the Leo and the Aries want to be the center of attention and the one receiving the affection the relationship can become exhausting and fights eventually break out when one side wont compromise. I think the reason I keep coming back to Leos is because their confidence makes them extremely attractive and they are also very competitive to the point to where its like a challenge for them to get you to stay with them. They’ll spoil you rotten but Aries’ love can’t be bought.

Dating by the Stars and other revelations to be continued…

There are just some songs...

Make New Friends but Keep the Old

In the last year a lot of people from the past have been popping back into my life. And mostly they've been people from High School. Yes we normally find each other on Facebook, but sometimes fate intervenes and reconnects us in other ways. (And yes they are all guys)

A little over 2 years ago when I first started working at SAC that summer we hired someone in the office to work part-time that had gone to ISA. I didn't know him back in high school but he had apparently known who I was. He's worked in our office ever since and we've become really good friends. He was a couple of grades below me in High School so I pretty much understood why we weren't friends back in school but now I'm so glad we are. We have lots of fun together and have some fun things in common.

A year ago 2 guy friends from high school came into my life from seemingly out of the blue. We caught up on Facebook for a while and then started hanging out. I was getting ready to start UTSA and one of the guys was too so we started hanging out more at school and outside of school. What was funny for me was that in High School I wasn't really friends with them at all, I went to a tiny school so I knew them, but we'd never hung out before. We kinda talked about it but kinda avoided the subject at the same time, but for about 6ish months I hung out with at least one of the guys on a pretty much weekly basis.

Then last Christmas another random guy from high school who I knew a little better popped back into my life. We started chatting on Facebook too and eventually started hanging out. When we hung out it was mostly at bars or involved alcohol in some way and it kinda darkened up my Christmas break. Not in a bad way, but we ended u enjoying each others company by drinking and just being really sarcastic about things. We're much more sporadic friends and maybe hang out every 3ish months or so.

Late this spring in April I started going to these Thursday Night Music Club events out in New Braunfels with my family. I started playing guitar and singing more. One night this woman came up to me after I played and asked if I'd even be formally trained to sing and I explained that I had been a musical theatre major in high school and found out that I had been in class with her son. Her son and I had been friends in high school and knew all the same people, but had lost touch over the years. She gave me his number and told me I just had to call him. I eventually did and we played phone tag for a couple of months before finally getting to see him last week. We've only hung out twice now in 6 years and already it has been just a blast. He makes me laugh and we have fun and it's so easy to remember why we were friends all those years ago. Unlike the others we actually were friends before.

I try to keep touch with all the guys kinda regularly or irregularly, but it's hard. The first and last are easy cause one I see daily at work and the other one is still new, but the middle guys I actually have to make an effort to see. I totally enjoy keeping in touch with people from the past I kinda think it helps ground me and it definitely helps me remember who I am and who I was in high school. I just think its interesting how it happens, I was on Facebook years before the middle guys ever made the choice to contact me and the last guy's mom has known my birthmom for years, but she's only just now getting more involved with our family's stuff.

I wonder what old friends will return this year.

My Summer is over...and what that means

It's August 3rd and my summer is definitely over. It was actually over last Tuesday on July 28th when New Student Orientation started, but I figured I'd give it till August to be officially through.

What changes?

1- No more drinking during the week (probably not true I'll just reduce it to once during the week and then only on weekends when I'm not working)

2- Fewer Thursday Night Music Clubs- so sad it's true but I have to be alert and awake now on Friday cause we'll have events during the days and evenings and little sleep just wont do- I'll still make some but I'll drastically reduce my attendance

3- Return to school- school starts the last week of August and that means my Monday and Tuesdays will be busy once more. I'm super torn about returning to school, part of me wants to go because I know I'm working towards something good but the other half of me wonders what's the point.

4- Less time to play the guitar- so sad and true because I know I'll be studying for school but also busy with ten times more work that I've had the last 5 months

5- The end of dating season- I try only to date new people in the summer cause I have more free time to get to know someone and once fall hits I really only have time for one date a week and that is sometimes just too slow to get to know someone so whoever I'm dating at the start of fall tends to find this annoying mid September sometimes real winners can stick it out till October but I warn them all cause I know its not fun dating busy people I'd be annoyed too, but I'm too busy to notice sometimes

Summer Regrets/Wishes

1- I wish I'd taken vacation time- I just noticed that I never took any time off this summer to go on vacation or to just do something for me

2- I wish I'd gone to the river more- I went twice but that isn't nearly enough

3- I wish I'd spent more time with my dad- I saw my mom and birth-mom every week but my dad only like once a month

4- I wish I'd read more- I don't have time to read as much in the fall and this summer I didn't take advantage of it enough

5- I wish summer was longer

Last August I was getting ready to just start school and I was really excited about it. I was enjoying my last free month and reading like crazy- that was about the time all those crazy Twilight fans (that I am not a part of) were reading the last book so I went out and a bought all four and read them in four days. I must have taken vacation last summer. I also was stressing about the fact that my sister would be getting married and that there was not going to be enough time to get everything done that needed to be done. My mother was also still in Las Vegas and working on her divorce this time last year. I wasn't dating anyone and Jessica and I had just started doing our weekly dates of hookah and karaoke.

Another school year is about to start...is it Labor Day yet?

The Simple Woman's Daybook

I am loving this- stumbled on to this through one of my favorite blogs Walk Slowly, Live Wildly and it just happy, simple, easy and very summery so I'm gonna try to do this occasionally...the originator has a great collection of these with lots of people apparently doing this for the summer The Simple Woman's Daybook too.

FOR TODAY ... Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Outside my window...

I see an empty room with lots of tables and chairs

I am thinking...
That the office is very cold today and I'm ready to go home and get warm

I am thankful for...
Spending time with my mom, birthmom, sister and best friend last night having a night out in the country once a week with my favorite people helps keep me relaxed

From the learning rooms...
The students have gone home but I'm sure there are some on campus somewhere learning great things

From the kitchen...
(at home) I know there are pieces of the flowers I cut up this morning waiting to be cleaned up

I am wearing...
My cheerleading shoes from cheer camp back in 2007 I don't get to wear them often, my short black skirt from Old Navy and my Be Prepared SAC shirt from welcome week 2008. And my hair in a ponytail which I rarely do cause it gives me a headache...

I am going...
To see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince again for the 3rd time but this time at an IMAX theatre

I am reading...
I am reading Alain de Botton's On Love for the 900th time but I can read it over and over again because it is amazing! I only let myself read it while out to lunch by myself so I maybe get to read it like once a week, but if you haven't read it you must!

I am hoping...
That my date tonight isn't totally shocked about my messy apartment because I haven't been home enough lately to clean it...

I am hearing...
My co-workers gossiping cause its the last hour of work and everyone gets a little lazy and it's easier to chat than do work.

Around the house...
My guitar music is strewn on the floor because I turned my ceiling fan on high and it blew them all over my living room and dining room.

One of my favorite things...
Going to Thursday Night Music Club every week to see my family and play guitar and sing. Its so peaceful and relaxing and a great way to go into Friday.

A few plans for the rest of the week:
Going to see Harry Potter tonight, Thursday Night Music Club tomorrow, Orientation on Thursday and Saturday, and then resting rest rested

Hot Pink Summer Roses

Saturday night I went-out/stayed-in for my 6th date with Jeff the 35 year old guy I met online. He's super sweet, funny, kind, gentlemanly and has his stuff together. We talk on the phone for hours and text each other all day it seems. There's really no bad but even though I'm in love with the hot pink roses he gave me, does anyone else think it's kinda soon for that?

So like I mentioned I did meet him online. We emailed for a few days then I gave him my phone number to call me. He did, and we talked for about 2 hours that first time. We had a lot in common from playing guitars, to liking the same TV shows and movies. It was nice. We then started texting each other and planning when we could meet.

Our first date was about a month ago we went out Dave and Buster's where we ate and then played video games- the date lasted about 4 hours which is probably a bit excessive but we had so much to talk about and the conversation never dragged. At the end of the evening he walked me to my car and said he'd talk to me later. I was taught it's always polite to thank a man for a date afterwards (in today's modern age though a text works via an actual phone call) so I texted him when I got home thanking him and saying I had a nice time and he responded right away saying he did as well.

The days following our first date he texted me several times and called. But hadn't asked me out again, on Friday I was thinking about riding it off and just saying he wasn't interested in but he called and asked me out for Sunday again. We ended up going to the movies and had a nice time but at the end of the movie it was kinda late so I had to go home, I couldn't stay out any later cause it was a work night but that maybe we could get together for lunch the upcoming week. I texted him again afterwards apologizing for having to cut the date early but that I still had a nice time.

We talked on later in the week via text and phone and confirmed our lunch date for that Thursday. We went to Zushi Sushi and had a lovely lunch. Again we had so much to talk about and I didn't want to go back to work at all because he was very interesting. He had a lot of interesting stories and was just a lot of fun to be around. He talks a lot which is kinda nice because normally guys aren't as chatty as I am. I eventually did go back to work and we continued to text the rest of the day.

Jeff and I work totally opposite schedules he works everyday except Tuesday and Thursday and works hours like noon-9 or 9-6 and that just doesn't mesh well with me. My weekends are when I have free and then I keep my week days busy with work and evening activities like karaoke and Thursday Night Music Club. He is also a night owl where I am a total morning person. Jeff'll stay up till 3 or 5 every night and I'm in bed by 11 and up at 6. So finding time we can get together is difficult.

So for our 4th "date" he called out of the blue on a Saturday night after he got off of work and asked if I wanted to hang out cause he didn't have to be at work till 12ish the next day. Because we're both unoriginal and can't be creative he invited me to his house to watch movies and stuff. I got to his house close to 10:30 or 11 and we stayed up till close to 4 AM watching movies and talking. He has a really nice house. Two stories way far out 1604, it's a total bachelor pad with leather furniture big TVs everywhere and a small arcade off the kitchen area. He even has a movie screen upstairs with a projector and everything that makes it like a mini movie theatre.

While at his house that Saturday night we planned our next date which was gonna be dinner and a movie but a movie in his cool little move theatre place. Coraline on 3D was coming out so he was gonna buy it so we could watch it with the full 3D experience. It was cool. We got together Wednesday and we ate dinner and then when it got dark enough watched the movie, it was kinda creepy. I was jumpy and definitely screamed a couple of times. But all and all a very decent date with dinner and a movie.

Our next date was a late date after he got off of work on Saturday after 9. We decided to just watch movies at his place again but to my happy surprise he had bought me a dozen bright pink roses. They're gorgeous! I can't remember the last time a guy, other than my father at graduation, has given me flowers! The date was lovely we stayed up till close to 5 AM just talking and watching movies, it was a lot of fun.

So now we just wait and see I guess...and hope I don't kill the flowers...

Trying to write songs

I've been really getting back into guitar for about 4 months now. I've been playing lots and getting gross calluses on my fingertips and I love it. I pretty much play guitar so I can accompany myself and sing. I'd missed singing so much since college so it's so great to be doing it again. My family hosts a Thursday Night Music Club in New Braunfels at the Faust Hotel. The first time I went I was told that the next week I needed to bring my guitar and play so ever since then I have been. And since I didn't want to suck in front of people I started practicing. Now very rarely do I go a day without at least playing for like 15 minutes.

I first started playing the guitar when I was 12- I use the super loose definition of playing- I basically learned 6 chords at 12 and those are all I ever play. In middle school I wrote two songs on guitar and my step-dad recorded them and put them on a CD with other songs to give to my mom for her birthday or mothers day maybe. Since then I have not written another song. I just play other people songs that I like and that are in my vocal range. My favorites being Lisa Loeb and Shawn Colvin- I love singing their songs.

I wish I could write my own songs though. Every week I am so inspired by the people that play there. My Uncle has written dozens of songs and they're all so good and heartfelt, Tara that 15 year old talent writes the sweetest little love songs I've ever heard and Mike has such haunting lyrics that I can't get out of my head for days. I wish I could write like that. I have lines that stick out in my head and I'd love to create a song around them but I just can't get started. I have a book full of lines I love and think could be cool songs but that's all I've got.

My Happy Place

I used to live here- and sometimes it totally sneaks up on me. This is the backyard of the house my mom and grandma bought when my parents got divorced. It's about 2 miles north of 1604 on Bulverde Road. It sits on about 10 acres, the house is beautiful flat stone with an aluminum roof. The driveway is a red brick circle drive and the stone fence has two rod-iron gates. There are about 3 acres in front, an acre fenced in around the house for the dogs and then the horse run and pasture make up the other 6 acres. I lived here when I was 9 and 10 I think and then briefly when I graduated from college before getting my own apartment. I remember it seemed forever to get into town from here and now there is Wallgreens about a mile a way and a shopping center maybe 5 miles away. It has built up so much around there, but luckily once you step foot on that land you forget that the city is quickly encroaching.

Every Tuesday before I go hookah-ing and Karaoke-ing with my old college roommate, I go home and spend time with my mom. Sometimes we go swimming but most of the time we just sit on the back porch and watch the sunset while having cocktails. Its so peaceful and quiet and I can't believe I never noticed it when I lived there. One day it'll be all my mothers and she wants to fix it up some and maybe change some things, but to me it's perfect how it is, and so so relaxing.

101 Ways to Hurt Yourself on the Guadalupe

Last Saturday I went tubing with my sister, her husband and their friend Carlos. It started out as all tubing trips, I was told to arrive at 9:30 and we'd leave by 10, but we inevitably left the house at 10:30 to go wake up slackers that had yet to arrive. We drove half way across San Antonio to try to pick up someone who wasn't even at their house. Around 11 we hit the road to the actual river. We got to the the Lazy L Camp Site before noon and ran into some of Haley's (my sister's) friends. Because I had gone out the night before I opted to be the designated driver that day so everyone else got to drink and drink while floating. The Guadalupe was running pretty slow due to lack of rain and so the tubing place shuttles you up the road 3 minutes and tells us the float will take 3 hours. We were all a bit skeptical but 4 1/2 hours later we knew not to doubt the man with the tubes...

When we get to the water everyone loads in their coolers and tubes. Haley's husband's, Greg's, tube had a leak so he had to go back and get a new tube. Now we were ready to go...go in the loose definition. I think I can describe our float as the longest mile ever! We would go 20 feet and then the wind would push us upstream another 30 feet. After an hour we could still see where the bus had dropped us off and the group of about 20 was well on their way to being more than tipsy.

About 2 hours into the float everyone was getting a little happy and I was enjoying watching people fall out of their tubes, trip on the rocks and try to put sunscreen on their backs by themselves. It was about this time that the first hat was lost, sunglasses and a $400 waterproof digital camera. All the drunkish people decided they should look for the camera as their tubes floated down stream. The camera was a lost cause- it sunk to the bottom and is now a part of the Guadalupe forever, or until some lucky person finds it...

The river started getting crowded 12 and 13 year olds floated by on air-mattresses. Jello shots were being thrown by sling-shot across the river. All cooler radios seemed to play the same bad summer river music- "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and much much worse. Matches were common on the river even though once wet they became ineffective, just like the wet cigarettes people couldn't get to light. Several lighters were lost to the abyss as everything from cigarettes, joints and cigars were trying to be lit. The cops looked on from the shore, helpless to the vast array of illegal activity happening on the river- maybe they should invest in kayaks...

Our large group got divided as more floaters joined in on the sun and I was trying to put us back together. Haley and her husband were calling pet names to one another 100s of feet a part from one another and I tried to reunite them to no avail. I eventually abandoned my tube to swim a while and let the drunks fend for themselves. After a good swim I tried to become friends with my tube again but ran into rocks...more rocks...and more rocks. As the only sober person on the river and possibly the world last Saturday my drunk companions offered their help and made it so much worse. They had begun to drift into really shallow water and became stuck on rocks. As I tried to pull the group through the shallow waters pockets of deep found me and continued to scrape my legs, hips and back.

Our group never came back together as a whole but at the end of the float half of the group was waiting for us and helped get the tubes out of the water. The coolers were now empty and many were sunburned. I wrangled up the group I came with and drove them home. Once we got to my sisters house we started examining the damage. Haley's husband was complaining of his back hurting and insisted (drunkenly) that it wasn't a sunburn but upon inspection the women decided it was. The front of my body was completely sunburned and bruises were starting to form on my knees, shins and left hip. Cuts accompanied some of the bruises and everyone was in awe that the only sober person was so injured by the river. Haley and her friend Carlos were not burned or scraped up at all.

I've never drank on the river, I normally act as the DD because combining my sober clumsiness with alcohol and slippery stones just seems like the worst idea ever.

Are you seeing anyone right now?

Uhhhggg, I hate this question. And when different people ask it, it has different connotation. When my Grandma asks "are you seeing anyone right now?" it usually has a sense of pitty tied to it cause she's worried that I'm alone. If my mom asks "Are you seeing anyone right now?" it's because she has someone she wants to set me up with. If my boss asks "Are you seeing anyone right now?" it's because I seem lazy, lack energy or aren't taking too much care with how I look at the moment.

But I'm not seeing anyone right now. For the first time in a long time I'm not serial dating this summer. It's been maybe 3 weeks since the last time I went out with a guy that even vaguely resembled the loose definition of a date. Before that it'd been like every week- I had a busy spring for some reason. But all these dates were kinda pointless- they all leaded to now and now is me not dating and not really caring if I date or not this summer.

The last two summers in a row I did the online dating thing and got maybe a dozen dates in a month of trying- maybe 4 of which lead to second dates and 2 which I would say I actually started dating the person. The idea of trying to do online dating again this summer is exhausting I do not have the energy- besides you have to be so careful with all of that. At the same time I don't really feel the need to start going out and looking for guys either. I just don't want to date...I think...

Then I start reading- I couldn't pick a new book to start so I picked up one of my favorite books since high school by Alain de Botton called On Love. It is one of my all time favorites! Thanks to Mr. Flieger for recommending it when I was in like 9th grade. Its the very soliloquized story of a man who falls in love with a woman on a airplane and their relationship- but the way it is written is just amazing and I find something new every time I read it- It is amazing to hear a man thing through things in these ways

"For those in love with certainty, seduction is no territory in which to stray. Every smile and word leads to a dozen if not twelve thousand possibilities. Remarks that in normal life (that is, life without love) can be taken at face value now exhaust dictionaries with their possible meanings. And for the seducer, enduring the trepidation of a criminal awaiting sentence, the doubts reduce themselves to a central question: Does s/he, or does s/he not, desire me?"

"The telephone becomes an instrument of torture in the demonic hands of the beloved who does not call."

"I merely adjusted myself to whatever I judged Chloe might feel. If she liked tough men, I would be tough; if she liked wind surfing, I would be a wind surfer; if she hated chess, I would hate chess. My idea of what she wanted from a lover could have been compared to a tight-fitting suite and my true self to a fat man, so that the evening was a process resembling a fat man's trying to fit into a suit that is too small for him. There was a desperate attempt to repress the bulges that did not fit the cut of the fabric, to shrink my waist and hold my breath so the material would not tear. It was not surprising in my posture was not as spontaneous as I might have liked. How can a fat man in a suit too small for him feel spontaneous? He is so frightened the suit will split, he is forced to sit in complete stillness, holding his breath and praying he can get through the evening without disaster. Love had crippled me."

It's a great book. I really love that a man feels this way and goes through these things. There's only one other book I've read where a man expresses himself in long detailed thoughts like this - Ethan Hawke in The Hottest State another amazing book where the man totally gets destroyed and hurt but expresses it beautifully, and yes I mean Ethan Hawke the actor- it's amazing. But none of these things are enough to make me want to date again, but it's good to read while I'm not dating cause I think if I tried to date while in Alain de Botton's world I might become overly neurotic.

Inspiring young minds...

It's that time of year again...Freshman Days (aka new student orientation)! Last January I started hosting a portion of the Orientation sessions on Student Life. It quickly left the general focus of Student Life and narrowed into the area of Social Media, and again more specifically Facebook, MySpace and integrating RedRover on our campus. I gave a 30 minute keynote presentation on "The Secrets Behind MySpace and Facebook" and spent the afternoons round-robin-ing about 150 students into the Cyber Cafe to get them registered for RedRover. I was super enthused about the program, I could have done without the speaking in front of a lot of people, but the subject was something I get really excited about. In these orientation classes that I was speaking to, there are all different types of students- really involved students, apathetic students, non-traditional students that are excited, non-traditional students that are bitter, the underage student and then the resentful student who doesn't understand why they have to listen to me speak. I tried to act like all the students were really involved and excited because taking on the resentful student and the bitter non-traditional students just would have made me depressed. In my first orientation season I probably gave 8 keynotes and 36 round-robin classes, by the time it was over I felt totally at ease and had no more worries.

Now it's June- about 4 months since my last keynote and I'm getting nervous. The orientation classes I'll be speaking to over the summer are for the majority younger college students between 17 and 23 years old, I find these students to be the most judge-y. I don't know how to battle their apathy, sometime I think they just look up at me like I'm a huge nerd getting all excited about how these social media tools can change the world they live in. Maybe I am just a nerd about it but I think its exciting. I get really excited when students interact with me on Facebook and reply to my Page posts. But as Saturday approaches I'm getting more and more nervous, I hope I can do this again. Luckily its just this Saturday, then I have another break till July, when they're back to back.

How I use the internet-

Facebook, MySpace, YouTube, Twitter, Flickr, LinkedIn, blogs...the list goes on.  There are so many ways to use the internet as a social network.  Social media I think is the more professional term to use for these things, or the term to use when using the sites for work purposes.  I use these sites for work, I have a Facebook page, MySpace account, Twitter and Flickr account for San Antonio College's Office of Student Life.  For personal use I have them all.  I'll be the first to admit that I am addicted to my Online Social Networks (OSNs as some people call them) and I have access to most of them on my phone, adding to the addiction.  I may one day need help-

Personal Tyler

I've had MySpace since 2003ish when I went to college.  My friend Angela was going to school in California and was all over the MySpace thing so I got one and didn't touch it for a while.  I couldn't figure out how to do any of it but eventually made friends and started adding people and pictures.  I still use it personally today but also have a lot of students from work on there as friends so sometimes it gets cross contaminated with work stuff too.  I use MySpace for more socializing and to keep in touch with people I didn't know from a school or professional setting.  Also the students at SAC use MySpace more than the other social networks.

Facebook came out in early 2004 and back then your school had to petition to get added and you had to have an .edu email address (yes back then mom, dad and grandma weren't on Facebook it's fine they're on it now, it's evolved).  TLU got in the game in May-ish and I jumped on the bandwagon.  I liked Facebook lots better than MySpace, it just seemed safer and the people on there were my friends that I actually saw everyday so it was cool.  It was also easier to use and everyone's profile looked the same.  Your "coolness" wasn't determined by your background or if you had music on your page- everyone was equal.  I liked this cause I was really bad at computer-y type stuff once- I'm still bad but in college I was way worse.  Facebook is how I keep in touch with people from high school, college and work.  

I got my Flickr account because of family peer pressure.  My birth-family used it to share photos with one another.  I was really into it at first and uploading pictures and sent the links to my friends and family, but after I filled up the 200 free pictures they give you I kinda forgot about it.  It's still out there at www.flickr.com/tyleralyse but nothing too new is on it.

YouTube is a new acquisition.  I don't use it, but I wanted to get my name reserved in case in the future I ever figure out how to use it.  I really want a Flip Camera and then I'll add stuff...

I am totally addicted to Twitter.  I love it and am always "tweeting" (a term I hate).  I am a total "Twit" (person addicted to Twitter) but I'm okay with that.  I've even started to follow that more than my Facebook which is my old obsession.  I think Twitter is attractive because it's short and sweet and people are funny when they're only allowed 140 characters.  You can also find some seriously entertaining viral videos and blogs.  Get in on the addiction www.twitter.com/tyleralyse

LinkedIn I just registered for last week and I've made maybe a dozen connections, but I really just did it so if people at conferences ask me if I'm on it I can say yes.  It is supposed to be the Facebook for professionals which is fine I don't really care, but we'll see if anything happens with that.

Finally blogs! I'm all about the blogging- my wonderful birth-family got me addicted with the family blog www.whippleworld.com ages ago.  They've been blogging since summer 2003 and once every blue moon I'll post something there too.  But I've been going to these Social Media conferences ever since I started at SAC and I just love the idea of blogging.  My family's blog is the perfect example of a really successful blog- lots of people post on it and so it's always new and fresh and it has expanded the community of people we can call friends.  I'm trying to start a blog for myself, I used to do LiveJournal and never got into it too much.  Randomly I'd post little vents about being annoyed and sometimes I'd post song lyrics, but it just wasn't for me.  I'm still debating on what type of blog I want.  Do I want a blog about my personal life, my work life, my family life? or do I want to combine them all into one?  I think it'll end up being a combination, otherwise there will be too much time where I have nothing to say.

Work- SAC OSL Tyler

My Facebook page for SAC OSL has over 150 fans- whoo-hoo, Twitter has over 150 followers, and my MySpace has a little over 100 friends.  We have a Flickr too but I don't know how to track the users, followers or whatever they're called there.  I hope to move to a student blog in the near future.  I want students to write about being students at SAC.  With help from this great company we work with SwiftKick I'm hoping that in the future we'll get student leaders to blog and have a really great something to show for it.

The idea behind using all these social networking sites for work is that students use them and are constantly on them (as evident by my usage as well).  If we reach out to them in a forum they are familiar and comfortable with the idea is that they'll respond and interact with us.  I see it happening, students love MySpace and actively search us out, Facebook was slower at first and now I see that more students have switched to it instead, they are also using Twitter in large numbers too- I know all of these will grow as the next semester starts and I'm really looking forward to it.

The addiction is real though.  I feel like I don't know what's going on if my internet goes out or I can't reach Twitter on my cell.  I feel like a huge nerd half the time cause if someone asks me "Have you heard from ______?" I say "oh-ya, I saw online that they're __________"- it's crazy!  What's even worse is sometimes a student or relative will ask me "how was karaoke last night?" and I get confused as to how they knew and then think to myself that I'm an idiot cause I posted it online for the world to see.  I probably don't use these sites the most, I'm sure there is someone out there who is more active than I am, but I'm also sure that there are a ton of people, most of my friends included, that don't use these sites even a quarter of how much I do.  

So I guess I'll see you online!