Are you seeing anyone right now?

Uhhhggg, I hate this question. And when different people ask it, it has different connotation. When my Grandma asks "are you seeing anyone right now?" it usually has a sense of pitty tied to it cause she's worried that I'm alone. If my mom asks "Are you seeing anyone right now?" it's because she has someone she wants to set me up with. If my boss asks "Are you seeing anyone right now?" it's because I seem lazy, lack energy or aren't taking too much care with how I look at the moment.

But I'm not seeing anyone right now. For the first time in a long time I'm not serial dating this summer. It's been maybe 3 weeks since the last time I went out with a guy that even vaguely resembled the loose definition of a date. Before that it'd been like every week- I had a busy spring for some reason. But all these dates were kinda pointless- they all leaded to now and now is me not dating and not really caring if I date or not this summer.

The last two summers in a row I did the online dating thing and got maybe a dozen dates in a month of trying- maybe 4 of which lead to second dates and 2 which I would say I actually started dating the person. The idea of trying to do online dating again this summer is exhausting I do not have the energy- besides you have to be so careful with all of that. At the same time I don't really feel the need to start going out and looking for guys either. I just don't want to date...I think...

Then I start reading- I couldn't pick a new book to start so I picked up one of my favorite books since high school by Alain de Botton called On Love. It is one of my all time favorites! Thanks to Mr. Flieger for recommending it when I was in like 9th grade. Its the very soliloquized story of a man who falls in love with a woman on a airplane and their relationship- but the way it is written is just amazing and I find something new every time I read it- It is amazing to hear a man thing through things in these ways

"For those in love with certainty, seduction is no territory in which to stray. Every smile and word leads to a dozen if not twelve thousand possibilities. Remarks that in normal life (that is, life without love) can be taken at face value now exhaust dictionaries with their possible meanings. And for the seducer, enduring the trepidation of a criminal awaiting sentence, the doubts reduce themselves to a central question: Does s/he, or does s/he not, desire me?"

"The telephone becomes an instrument of torture in the demonic hands of the beloved who does not call."

"I merely adjusted myself to whatever I judged Chloe might feel. If she liked tough men, I would be tough; if she liked wind surfing, I would be a wind surfer; if she hated chess, I would hate chess. My idea of what she wanted from a lover could have been compared to a tight-fitting suite and my true self to a fat man, so that the evening was a process resembling a fat man's trying to fit into a suit that is too small for him. There was a desperate attempt to repress the bulges that did not fit the cut of the fabric, to shrink my waist and hold my breath so the material would not tear. It was not surprising in my posture was not as spontaneous as I might have liked. How can a fat man in a suit too small for him feel spontaneous? He is so frightened the suit will split, he is forced to sit in complete stillness, holding his breath and praying he can get through the evening without disaster. Love had crippled me."

It's a great book. I really love that a man feels this way and goes through these things. There's only one other book I've read where a man expresses himself in long detailed thoughts like this - Ethan Hawke in The Hottest State another amazing book where the man totally gets destroyed and hurt but expresses it beautifully, and yes I mean Ethan Hawke the actor- it's amazing. But none of these things are enough to make me want to date again, but it's good to read while I'm not dating cause I think if I tried to date while in Alain de Botton's world I might become overly neurotic.