Thursday, September 13, 2012

"It's scary in the dark when you're not here" *

Friends who know me know I’m not a “go-with-the-flow” kinda of person. I’m a planner. I like to know where I’m going, when, and how long I’m going to be there.   I’m okay with change; I just like to know how things are changing and what it means for me.   Change is fine as long as it’s planned far in advance and I have plenty of time to prepare for it. Schedules make me happy and planning things in advance is important to me so I don’t feel out of control.  I think control is the important word there.  I like to feel in control- even if I’m not, I like to know what going on cause it prevents feeling out of control. I’ve never considered myself a control freak though, I just like things planned and organized well.  Which anyone who has ever seen my house, or past apartments would probably laugh at cause while I’m not usually organized at home, professionally I am very organized and I also try to be socially as well.

So this thing I’m doing Saturday, picking up and moving from the only home, San Antonio, I’ve ever known is scary.  There is so much that is unknown.  There is so much that isn’t planned and organized.  I hired movers, so I know that come 10AM Saturday morning, they will arrive at my house, pick up my stuff and haul it off to Bryan, TX.  Once it gets there, they’ll unload it and leave.  And I’ll be left with my entire life in boxes, suitcases and storage bins, things will again need to find homes in a new location, but it’ll be an apartment, something that is not permanent.  Who knows how long I’ll live in this place.  I could love it and stay for 5 years or more, or I could hate it and start wanting to move back in another year.

When I get to A&M I’ll know two people (two people very well and another 3 in passing); two people from San Antonio, my stepbrother and a close guy friend.  I’ll have to make new friends, new friends who don’t know about my crazy scheduling needs and need for an organized social calendar.  The people I will wok with will be the ones I’ll probably initially cling to because I’ll be spending the most time with them.  But who knows if I’ll find people there I really click with.  I hope I do, after my daylong interview with them I’m pretty sure it was a “fit” thing they were looking for and why they selected me.

I don’t know when I’ll come home again.  My house will be rented out so I wont be going to “my home” but I’ll be coming back to San Antonio periodically, but where will I stay? My parent’s houses, my sisters, friends? I hope to make it down at least once a month, if for no other reason that so my nephew will see my face and still recognize me, still reach for me when I smile at him and still fall asleep in my arms when he feels sick.  Leaving my sister is the next hardest, she’s been my best friend for so long now and I’m so used to seeing her every week, talking to her everyday and just dropping by her house on the weekends when I had nothing else to do.  My mom is my random breakfast buddy, the person I can call when I’ve had a bad day and want to go somewhere and grab a drink, the person I call three times a day just to say hi.  I know my dad will come visit cause his stepson is there and his wife went to A&M and loves to go back.  My birth mom just had another daughter move away barely a month ago and now I’m leaving too.

I keep telling myself it’s only 2 ½ hours away (3 from my dad and sister) and that I’ll come home frequently, but when I come home I’m going to want to see all these people, I’m going to want to go to my favorite spots in San Antonio and see my friends.  I feel like such a wimp sometimes, because I know so many people move away from home at such a younger age, I’m 27 I shouldn't be so maudlin about this all, but I can’t help it.  I feel like there’s just so much change all at the same time.  I’m good with change usually, but this will definitely be the biggest one I’ve ever made.  I know my new office will help make me feel welcome; the outpouring of support they’ve already shown me is overwhelming.  My kitties will be with me so I can fulfill my goal of becoming a crazy cat lady.  My mom is coming up for a few days when I move, but gosh when she leaves I’m going to be a mess!  But I know it’s an amazing opportunity and I underneath all the fear and trepidation I am so excited.

*Title from the song my amazing UCPC students had dedicated to me last night at CoffeeHouse- "Scary in the Dark" by Valise Stalk them here, they're amazing.

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